Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?

Her: I’d love that!

Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while

Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

genie: you can’t wish for more wishes

me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world

genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan

me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes

alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month

Me: You have to do your homework.

My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?

Me: Obviously yes.

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

This is the coolest video you will see today.

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em