thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
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Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me