If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
You Might Also Like
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Phones down.
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
rich people when they have to pay taxes
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work