Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for

GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.

*Tries to get makeup off*

Makeup: I have a boyfriend.

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

huge if true: the moon

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

Me: Do that thing I like.

Husband: Soaks dishes.