My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
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Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.