Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
![]()
You Might Also Like
is he marrying that labradoodle
![]()
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator