I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
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People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.