Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

ㅤ

Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.

Wife: What? Why?

Me: I was calling her Siri.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I’m naming our next kid.

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.

A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist

if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

The chicken coup is unlocked!

“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”

*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*

No, Snowball