A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
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earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
This one never gets the credit it deserves
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
