Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm鈥檈d me on twitter telling me they鈥檝e been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we鈥檙e both not gonna have him 馃槀馃槀馃槀
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I think we should hear other voices.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Having a panic attack thinking about how there鈥檚 somebody in Australia standing directly under me
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Her: I can鈥檛 believe you got us kicked out of my cousin鈥檚 wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should鈥檝e seen those kids jump.
Not saying it鈥檚 hot, but I鈥檓 slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can鈥檛 you see I鈥檓 sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we鈥檙e most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
obviously, you鈥檇 be a fool not to get two
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.