Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.

I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?

me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***

*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house

Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”

Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.

Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters