Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
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When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
wow he looks just like him
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂