HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
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[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
thinking about a very short hotdog
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”