Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

bad
worse
worst
worchester

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting