Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this

MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]

ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this

thankfully, most bananas are boneless

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

Me:[slathers self in butter]

Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go