Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.

today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

Them: I don’t like you.
Me:

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*