Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*

My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail

–the invention of zebras

the internet really was better 18 years ago

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.

Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.

Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes