There’s always that one guy
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I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?