Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
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9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.