My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
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my friends when i can’t do basic math
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
How high do the levels go?
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
