*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
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Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.