Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex

Alex: Having one wife too many

Me: What is bigamy

Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old

-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.