Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome

Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.

Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

[Doing a crossword quiz]

Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.

Me: “faaark”?

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.