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who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
this is a sign that you need a union
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.