never deleting this app.
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Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.