Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

🪶

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

the three branches of government

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit

“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck

Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.