“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
You Might Also Like
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.