kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
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Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.