Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
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On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure