Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105

Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.

Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?