I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
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It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
My birth announcement for our third baby
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?