Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]

The dogs are drawn by their screams.

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

This sounds bad:

My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf