me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
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Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Personal question. #JustSaying
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”