Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

set yourself free xox

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.

When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

Oceanography is all about current events

*blowing up your phone at 3am*

I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.

I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.