Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
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Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me