PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
You Might Also Like
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
definitely did not do anything wrong
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.