PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
You Might Also Like
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
My life in a nutshell
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
plums roundup
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.