EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.![]()
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A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
peeping toms
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What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes