At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
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King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.