“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
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There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.