Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

[During a baby shower]

Me: Ooh I caught one

Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another

On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…

But I’m worried he might take a fence.

#Jokes

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.