The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
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RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.