Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
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Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.