Hank is one in a melon.
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According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Story time
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Priorities
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
incredible book dedication
