them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
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There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
(Electricians.)
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
