Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship

Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

me: hey can I read that recipe

internet: here’s a video of how to make it

me: can I just read it

internet: WATCH THE VIDEO

Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.

HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.

if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

this is supposed to be an 18 year old

Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

[group therapy]

IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist

[others nod]

ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone

[screaming]

[Ian pukes]

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”

ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.

Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.