me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
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I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it