Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.