Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

HER: I’ve missed you so badly.

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap

*attaches note to pigeon

*stuffs pigeon into envelope

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.