Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

[God making raccoons]

GOD: I want a goth red panda

ANGEL: so like… a regular panda

GOD: no, make it small

ANGEL: okay

GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”

Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.

I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.

[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving