John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
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Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.